On Depression and Rainbows

And the things we can't see

Hello wild and beautiful souls,

I am coming out of the darkness, slowly but surely, happy to be back, sitting at my desk, with the light pouring in, rather than lying in my sick bed, under a mountain of blankets and the weight of depression. 

This time, it was easy to pinpoint. The complex feelings of despair and hopelessness were easily broken down into a simple equation: the sadness of a vacation’s end, combined with a heavy hit of Covid - mixed in with the tyranny of hormones for good measure - equals an inevitable low that no mortal could fight.

But sometimes - many times - it’s not so simple. No good reason combined with ‘everything is great,’ sprinkled with countless blessings….but the equation comes out short. The math doesn’t add up. The darkness envelops me before I even know what’s happened. The black dog has been at my heels my entire life - an unwelcome companion, though a wise teacher. It’s taken 44 years to, sort of, accept that it’ll always be there. That without warning, reason, or mercy, it will take over. It will steal the light like an evil villainess. It will cast its spell, banish me to the tower of misery and throw away the key.

During this time, I’ve learned to ask for help. Not necessarily from those around me - although that is important - but from something bigger: the Universe; the Divine.

Please help, I say out loud to no one, please send a sign, something, anything that I can grab hold of. Like a gentle hand reaching into the void I am caught in, send a messenger, a reminder, that the light always returns. 

A few days later, as the sickness started to wane, and the hormones started to settle and the darkness began to shift from black to smoke-grey, I felt well enough to slip back into parts of my regular routine. Getting up before everyone else, coffee and meditation - these are the bare essentials required to brace me through every foggy transition. (*Side note* - this version of covid is a total doozy. It lingers and moves around your body and just when you think it’s gone, it returns with new symptoms!)

So I crept down the stairs towards the front of the house, which faces East, and..…

Reminder #1 - The sun always rises. Slowly but surely, no matter what came before, it reaches up over the horizon once again and casts it light without judgement.

I moved towards the back of the house, which faces West, and saw in the sky what I felt in my heart: a wall of smoke-grey clouds.

Reminder #2 - The light and the dark can co-exist, and often do; without judgement.

I then moved into my office/meditation space, and just as I was about to sit down I glanced out the window one more time. My eyes widened and my mouth dropped. In the time it took to grab a coffee the rising sun had kissed the dark clouds and there it was: a gorgeous, perfectly defined, full, double rainbow!

Running out the door as fast as I could I begged a whisper; please don’t leave, please don’t leave! I’m reaching up, I’m reaching up…I can almost grasp hold! 

It was breathtaking. It was awe-inspiring. It was all the words that describe things that cannot be described. And the horses were in the foreground of this most perfect background.

But something had caught their eyes in the other direction. They saw something; felt something, yet I saw nothing. What do you see guys? I’d never know.

The trouble with being human is we rely too much on what we can see.

But what the horses would never know, was the magic of the light show behind them. 

The honour of being human is we get to experience magic right before our very eyes. 

Reminder #3 - Miracles are everywhere. Whether we can see them or not. And sometimes, the only way we can, is because of the darkness. 

🌈✨

Which reminder do you need most this week? Please hit reply or comment below and let me know. It means the world to me to hear from you!

Carolyn 💞